Potty Humor

Every time I go to the bathroom downstairs here at work, the strangest thing happens. I go into the same stall every time (I'm a creature of habit, what can I say?) and as soon as I close the door, the toilet in the stall NEXT to me flushes automatically. Weird. Anyway, it inspired me to provide my loyal readers with some potty humor today. Enjoy!

20 ways to annoy a public bathroom stall mate

1. Stick your open palm under the stall wall and ask your neighbor, "May I borrow a highlighter?"

2. Say, "Uh, oh, I knew I shouldn't have put my lips on that."

3. Cheer and clap loudly every time somebody breaks the silence with a bodily function noise.

4. Say, "Yikes, this water's cold."

5. Drop a marble and say, "Oh geez! My glass eye!"

6. Say, "Hmmm, I've never seen that color before."

7. Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds then drop a cantelope into the toilet bowl from a height of 6 feet. Sigh relaxingly.

8. Say, "Now, how did that get there?"

9. Say, "Humus. Reminds me of humus."

10. Fill up a large flask with Mountain Dew. Squirt it erratically under the stall walls of your neighbors while yelling, "Whoa! Easy boy!"

11. Say, "Interesting ... more floaters than sinkers."

12. Using a small squeeze tube, spread peanut butter on a wad of toilet paper and drop the wad under the stall wall of your neighbor. Then say, "Whoops, could you kick that back over here, please."

13. Say, "C'mon, Mr. Happy! Don't fall asleep on me!"

14. Fill a balloon with cream corn. Rush into the stall with your hand over your mouth and let a lengthy vomit impression while you squeeze the balloon and splatter cream corn about. Apologize profusely and blame it on the fettucine alfredo you had for breakfast.

15. Say, "Boy, that sure looks like a maggot."

16. Say, "Darn, I knew this drain hole was a little too small. Now, what am I gonna do?"

17. Play a well-known drum cadence over and over again on your butt cheeks.

18. Before you unroll toilet paper, conspicuously lay down your "Cross-banners Anonymous" newsletter on the floor visible to the adjacent stall.

19. Lower a small mirror underneath the stall wall, adjust it so you can see your neighbor and say, "Peek-a-boo!"

20. Drop a D-cup bra on the floor under the stall wall and sing "Born Free."

*and my personal favorite:*

The Shit List

1. Ghost Shit: The kind where you feel shit come out but there is no shitin the toilet.


2. Clean Shit: The kind where you shit it out, see it, but there is
nothing on the toilet paper.


3. Wet Shit: The kind where you wipe your butt at least 90 times and it feels unwiped so you have to put some toilet paper between your butt and your underwear so you won't ruin your pants.


4. Second Wave Shit: It happens when you're done shitting and you've pulled your pants up to your knees and you realize you have to shit some more.


5. Pop-A-Vein-In-Your-Head Shit: The kind where you strain so much to get the shit out you practically have a stroke.


6. Richard Simmons Shit: You shit so much you lose 30 pounds.


7. Lincoln Log Shit: The kind of shit that is so huge that you are afraid to flush the toilet without breaking it into little pieces with the toilet brush.


8. Gassy Shit: It's noisy; everyone within earshot is giggling.


9. Drinker Shit: The kind of shit you have the morning after a long night of drinking. It's most noticeable trait is the tread marks on the bottom of the toilet.


10. Corn Shit: Self-explanatory.


11. Gee I Wish I Could Shit Shit: It's the kind where you want to shit butall you do is sit on the toilet, cramped, and fart a few times.


12. Spinal Tap Shit: That's where it hurts so bad coming out you'd swear it was leaving sideways.


13. Wet Cheeks Shit (The Power Dump): The kind that comes out of your rear end so fast, your cheeks get splashed with water.


14. Liquid Shit: The kind where yellowish-brown liquid shoots out and splatters all over the toilet bowl.


15. Mexican Food Shit: It smells so bad the room must be condemned.


16. Upperclass Shit: The kind of shit that doesn't smell.


17. Fisherman's Bobber Shit: That's the kind where you are in a public restroom, there are two people waiting on your stall; you shit and flush two times but several golf ball size pieces are still floating above the water line.


18. Ambush Shit: This kind never occurs at home but usually at a party or while playing golf. It is the result of trying to fart just a little, but you end up with trouser chili and you walk bow-legged for the rest of the day.


19. Santa Clause Shit: A shit that is so big, you have no idea how it made it down the drain after flushing.


20. Stalactite Shit: A shit that gets stuck and hangs from your butt for a moment.


21. Deja Vu Shit: When you could swear you've taken the exact same shit before.


22. Five Alarm Shit: Your asshole burns so bad you think it's on fire. Usually after eating really spicy chili or other spicy food.


23. False Alarm Shit: After a really big fart you think you might have shit yourself, but you didn't.


24. Titanic Shit: The tip of the shit is visible above the water line.


25. Rainbow Shit: The kind of shit that is at least 7 different colors.


26. Gangster Shit: A shit that sounds like an automatic weapon is being fired in the toilet.


27. Gold Medal Shit: A shit you work so hard to get out that you just have to tell a friend about it.