Cyber-Magnetism, Parts II and III

The morning after I had spent the entire night chatting online with FiremanG, I grudgingly woke up and got ready for my double shift at the Olive Garden. All throughout the day, my mind kept wandering back to the conversation I’d had the night before, and I couldn’t help but wonder if he’d emailed me during the day like he said he would.

I left the restaurant after 10pm, and I was in a very good mood. I had made over $150 for the day, and I was finally going home. Since I didn’t ever like to go to bed smelling of breadsticks and pasta, I decided to take a shower. I turned on my computer and got in the shower. I still do this today, because I hate watching it load up…I’m too impatient.

When I got out of the shower and had prepared myself for bed, I sat myself down at the computer and jiggled the mouse a little bit to remove the screensaver. To my delight, not only did my inbox read 3 new messages, but there was an IM window that had popped up during my shower.

FiremanG: Hey there you. How was your day?

Smiling, I started to type back.

Cosette86: Hey! I was hoping you’d be on. It was okay, but I’m tired now.
FiremanG: I sent you an email did you get it?
Cosette86: No, I haven’t read it yet. BRB.

I read his email. It was short, but very sweet. It said how much he had enjoyed talking to me the night before, and that it had been his first time in a chat room. It also said that he was hoping he’d catch me online tonight.

Cosette86: Just read it! Thank you, you’re so sweet!
FiremanG: =) I’m glad you liked it. So, I had a crazy day…

We chatted again for hours. This time he told me more about his family history. He was a fireman in Colorado, and he lived with three other guys, also firemen. He told me that he was second generation Greek, and that it was just him, his father, and his sister. He told me that he had a dog named Daisy, a black lab, and that she would help him during search and rescue missions with the fire department. He made me laugh with stories about the antics he and his roommates would cause to each other, and described with great detail the personalities of all the roommates. Rodney was the womanizer. Rodney loved to just bring home random, drunk girls and have sex with them. Dennis was the quiet, loner…the nice guy who always finished last. Finally, Mike was the one with the long-term girlfriend. Finally, I had to ask him one of the questions that is always difficult in Instant Messenger conversations with strangers.

Cosette86: So, what’s your name, now that I know all your roommates personally?

Several minutes went by without any response.

Cosette86: Hello? I’m sorry, did I cross a line or something?
FiremanG: No…it’s just that I’m nervous with giving out too much information about myself online.
Cosette86: I completely understand. But how about just first names?
FiremanG: Well, you seem trustworthy. ;) It’s Greg.
Cosette86: See that wasn’t so hard. =) nice to meet you, Greg.

Then I started to tell him all about my family. I told him about my two brothers, the guys I love more than anything in the world. I told him about my parents, their divorce, and then my step-parents. I told him that I was the proud Aunt to a beautiful two-year-old.

Before I knew it, there was a soft purple light that was beginning to fill my room. I glanced over at my alarm clock.

Cosette86: Do you realize it’s 6:00 am???
FiremanG: Oh my gosh, I’m sorry!! Do you work today?
Cosette86: No, luckily for you, I’m off today! =) But I really should get some sleep.
FiremanG: Is it weird that I wish I could kiss you good night (or good morning)?

I stared at the flashing message window, slightly taken aback. This wasn’t the first time I’d had a comment like this from a stranger on IM, but he and I had just chatted so much and so comfortably, that I never stopped to think about any romantic implications.

FiremanG: Did I cross the line this time?
Cosette86: No, no…not at all. And no it’s not weird. I think it’s sweet.
FiremanG: Good…because the last thing I want to do is offend you.
Cosette86: I’m not offended at all. No worries.
FiremanG: Whew…thank goodness. Sleep well, cutie.
Cosette86: =) Thank you. You get some rest, too!

It would be silly if I continued to document every single conversation we had over the next couple of months. So, please forgive me for skipping ahead.

Over the next several weeks, my conversations with Greg, aka “FiremanG,” became more in-depth and more personal. We talked about dreams, goals, fears, things in our life that were painful and, over time, we began to trust each other. I even sang for him once, at his request, via my microphone. He told me it soothed him. Our conversations began to have more and more hints of romance, and one night he typed the words, “I really feel like I could be in love with you. Is that crazy?”

I didn’t think it was crazy. The relationship between my mother and stepfather kept flashing in my head. The two of them had met in a chat room very similar to the one Greg and I had met in. He had flown down to meet her, and two years later they were married (and still are today). Internet romance was becoming more and more normal, so why wasn’t I allowed to have the same experience? My response was less than eloquent, but it told how I felt.

Cosette86: It’s kinda crazy…but not stupid. I’ve never been in love before, but I know I can’t stop thinking about you, and I stay up all night every night chatting with you. I dunno…maybe I’m in love with you.

Now that we had uttered those words, even via keyboard, it seemed that we had jumped into something bigger than I could handle. I wanted his phone number, but he wouldn’t give it to me. I gave him my cell phone number, and a few nights later got a strange phone call on my cell. There was no one speaking, but I could hear a radio in the background. He said later that he’d been too nervous to speak.

Over the days at work, I would find that I had 6 or 7 missed calls from that same number, but when I would try to call back, he wouldn’t answer. So, I decided maybe it was too weird for him, and I asked if I could mail him something. He gave me his physical address.

I mailed a “care package” to him. It included a card for him, and something silly I got for each of his roommates based on the personality traits I felt like I knew by now. A week later, it was returned to my address with a huge stamp bearing the words “Address Invalid.”

I started to melt down slightly. Here was a man who would tell me on a nightly basis that he was in love with me, that he couldn’t stop thinking about me. I had a webcam, and he would tell me that I was the most beautiful creature he’d ever laid eyes on. But then we would get into arguments because he wouldn’t call me or let me call him. He told stories of how he’d been so hurt by an ex-girlfriend, and he was afraid that making it “too real” would just open him up to heartbreak.

I wasn’t eating. At about 6am every morning when we would finally sign off, I’d find that I couldn’t sleep. So, I’d go to the track at the local high school and run until I thought I’d puke. Then I’d go work a double shift at Olive Garden, and just barely pick at food all day. I’d get home and eat a small bowl of Special K and start chatting with Greg. I rarely slept and I ate even more infrequently.

Friends and family were telling me how fantastic I looked, but I was miserable. I told them all about Greg, and they wanted to know when and if they’d get to meet him. I didn’t tell them that I didn’t know if I’d ever even get to meet him. As soon as I brought this up to him, he told me that he was being sent to work on the huge forest fires of Colorado that sprang up that entire summer. We had a huge argument, and I signed off.

The very next night, I got a call from CatPants, inviting me out to Sweetwater to meet them all after a performance of Once Upon a Mattress. I agreed, thinking that I definitely needed to get out of the house. I had the best time I’d had in a long time, and lo and behold, Mr. Arrogant was there as well. He and I actually ended up sitting next to each other for a bit and getting to know each other. I found out his name was Michael. Another mutual friend, Carly, brought up that she was having a get-together at her house the next night, and did I want to come. I hesitated for a moment, thinking of Greg, but I eventually agreed.

I actually ended up spending the next few nights with Carly and Michael. One of those nights included a party at a very underage cast member’s house. Carly and I each brought a bottle of wine, and Michael met us there. Over the course of the evening, the “adults” sat on the couch and watched Spaceballs (and drank) and talked (and drank). By the end of the night Michael and I were sitting very close on the couch and getting very affectionate. I had drunk almost one entire bottle of wine, so, when he leaned over and whispered, “Maybe you should come home with me tonight” (which he still denies to this day that he ever said…liar), I was willing.

He drove me back to Carly’s, where my car was, and he said that the entire time, I was “all over him.” You can imagine how drunk I was, considering I’d consumed an entire bottle of wine and I was more than a little bit malnourished.

When we got back to Carly’s, I started sobbing. Uncontrollably. The drunk kind of crying where you start hiccupping and having trouble inhaling air. I clung to Michael like for dear life, and I cried and cried. I felt horrible. I felt like I was actually cheating on Greg. Michael finally put me to bed in Carly’s apartment, and kissed my forehead. I don’t remember passing out.

I woke up the next morning feeling guilty and nauseous…and humiliated. I had completely thrown myself at Michael and then collapsed into a sobbing, snotty pile of mess in his arms. I had made out with someone while I was telling someone I’d never met that I was in love with him. Michael called the next day to check on me, and actually asked me out…even after the way I’d behaved! I told him no. I turned him down, and told him I was “kinda involved.” He was totally nice, and apologized for crossing the line. This was the beginning of our friendship.

I tried to pull myself together over the next few days, but it was difficult. Greg and I were chatting again, but he was very angry with me and made me feel horribly about what I’d done. I was still running, still pulling double shifts, still not eating. My friends and family were beginning worry.

One night, everything collapsed. The whole world that I had created fell apart at my feet.

I got home from working a particularly grueling shift at work, started my computer as usual, and went to take my shower. When I got back, as usual there was an IM window that had popped up. However, this time I didn’t recognize the screen name.

MattM900: Is this Frecklehead?

I blinked at it a few times, confused. Then I immediately sat down and started typing back to this new person.

Cosette86: Yes it is, who is this?
MattM900: A friend. Trust me. Have you been talking lately with someone named FiremanG?
Cosette86: Yes…how did you know? Who IS this?
MattM900: You’d better be sitting down for this.

All at once I felt the bile rising in my throat. I felt sick, but couldn’t stop typing…

Stay tuned for Part IV.