Norman Bates had the right idea....

THIS IS A VENTING POST



Well today has been weird. Started out okay, went to the gym after getting a combined 8 hours of sleep in the past two nights, but the coffee and exercise endorphines pushed me along for most of the day. I only struggled to stay awake for a couple of minutes in class, so that was good....I listened to the Light in the Piazza sound track for most of the day....It was all good. I felt a little tired and strung out, but for the most part...good.

Then came the afternoon. A lot of thoughts started flooding my mind as certain events unfolded, and made me feel the content-yet-sad way that I feel right now. Content and sad? Yes, you read that correctly. Here's how it all went down.

This afternoon, as you can see in the very long blog post below, Queen John emailed out his review of DCT's "A Chorus Line." I found it very interesting, yet not very surprising. That's just the way I felt. No need to get into the reasons WHY I felt that way, that's just what my reaction was. So, like I enjoy doing when I find something interesting, I posted it in my blog. Apparently when I did this, I betrayed and hurt and confused some people....oh and let's not forget "offended." Why? Because I posted something that 4,000 other people read on a blog that probably only 10 people, max, read...and that's not even on a daily basis. You can read the review for yourself below, if you care, I"m not gonna summarize the damn thing. But I still am finding it impossible to imagine why people are pissed at me. Fuck it, I say. I didn't do anything wrong. If the cast already "thinks the show sucks" and that "this review solidified that" then there is nothing I can do about the cast's confidence level. I feel certain that I will enjoy the show when I go see it. So anyway, that little incident set a bad taste for the next two hours of my afternoon.

Mom was driving me to my car (parked at her house) on the way home, and I was telling her about it, and about the drama that some people have been dishing out lately, and she starts reprimanding me for writing stuff online. Here's what I have to say about that, and it may sound familiar: "Fuck it, I say." It's a BLOG. Nothing called a BLOG should be taken that seriously by anyone, not even me. As my young Xanga friends say, "get over it." I'm not holding a gun to anyone's head and forcing them to read it, last time I checked. And, if you don't like something I say, shrug, disagree and MOVE ON. Don't lecture me and send me comments trying to convince me otherwise of the things I said/wrote. You're wasting energy.

So I start to stand up to my mom for giving me shit about my blog. Now, those of you who are pissed about what I posted, you'll say "see? Your mom thinks the same thing we do." Just remember, you are the same people who read this blog fairly regularly, and you know how my mother is. She just likes to be the antagonist in every. situation. Then other shit comes out onto the table. LOOOOOOOONG story short, I had a HUGE fight with my mom about everything we usually fight about, including but not limited to: my financial decisions, my boyfriend, my job, my appearance, my attitude, blah blah blah. However, this fight was different from others. Here's why: I did not cry once. Nor did I feel like it. Fights with my mom my entire life have included sobbing, hiccuping tears that make me vulnerable and easily manipulated to think "You're right mom, I'm so stupid, thanks for setting me straight. I really am fat and have a boyfriend who has "insert personality flaw here"." WTF?! But no, I did not cry. For the first time in my LIFE, I stood up to her. And I told her the truth about a lot of things. But the main problem:

My mom doesn't know how to own up to anything. When we had a huge fight around my last birthday, she said, "I feel like you're angry at me for a lot of things (ya think?????), and I think you should write them down and discuss them with me." Yeah, right. Same woman who says, "I didn't hurt your feelings, you made yourself that way." Ah. Yes, so now let me give you a list of things YOU did, Mom, to make me the insecure, doormat that I have become today. So as you can see, our fights never resolve, because the woman refuses to compromise. Anyway, enough about that. I'm proud of myself, bottom line. This is where the "content" from the first paragraph ties in.

Now here's why I'm sad. I'm leaving this state, possibly for good, in about two months. I've spent 24 years in this same place, building relationships, friendships, etc. As I'm about to move, I'm learning some things about people that I think are very sad. I recently found out that a particular person in my life lies to me and would rather continue to rather than being open and honest with me (i mean i know that's an awful lot to ask in a friendship). That's extremely disappointing. I also find it very hurtful that the same people who tell me that I'm too insecure and that I should love myself for the wonderful person I am and stand up for myself more often...these are the same people who get hurt/pissed when I DO. What am I supposed to DO with that?? Geez. Caught between a rock and a hard place I am.

I know I"m a dramatic person, and that drama naturally follows me around like a damn magnet, but I really am sick of it. I can't wait for my Boston trip in July. I know it won't really be a vacation, because we'll be "working" the entire time, but I need time away. Away from everyone. Just me and the love of my life, the one who holds my hand firmly when my fingers tremble, when I feel like I might fall I feel his gentle push, telling me to stand firm. He thinks these blogs are stupid, and when I take a step back, they really are. I mean I love them and I'll keep doing it, but they are truly insignificant when it comes to getting pissed about things contained within. You've chosen to take the key to my diary if you read this. Next time you do that, read the fine print: Diary contains the true feelings, some good and some shitty, of the author. Read at your own risk.