Here's lookin' at me..
I think I've learned a lot about myself lately, especially in the last couple of months. CatPants wrote a blog recently about things she wanted to admit about herself or to others...and it got me thinking a little bit more about myself, the whole "ME"; the good, the bad, and the ugly.
I am extremely critical of myself. Everytime I pass by a window, mirror, any reflective surface...I have to look at myself. Do not mistake this for vanity. I remember once, as a child, my mother told me, "Stop looking at yourself, you're nothing to look at" because I would look at myself in every mirror in the Home Depot. It's interesting how you remember things like that.
Here's the thing that makes no sense, though. I don't think I'm ugly. Not at all. I think I'm a very cute girl, even pretty. My self-image is such an anomaly. I don't think I'm ugly, but I hate my body. Even at my thinnest, I have hated my body. Why is that? Can I blame my parents (aka my mom)? Or do I have to blame society, myself, etc? The anomaly occurs when I see myself on a video recording or in pictures and I think, "Wow, am I that big?" Because apparently, even though I scrutinize myself in the mirror forever before even leaving the house every day, I still think I'm thinner than I actually am. It makes my head hurt.
Apparently I carry it well...Fred told me that she never would have guessed that I have insecurity issues (and boy do I have them). I'm really really glad that some semblance of confidence comes across to people, because half...no, over half of the time, I'm comparing myself to others around me and coming up short. Even going to Michael's students' concerts/recitals, I compare myself to these high school girls and I think they are so beautiful (even though I've got years on them in experience in maturity, wink wink)...and next to them I feel plain, pudgy, dowdy, you name it...and then I HATE myself for thinking these things. *sigh*
Well this is me. And by God in heaven, I will love me. I'm worth loving. I am something to look at, I am not obese, I am talented, I'm funny, I have a great smile (even if I do have one weird crooked tooth), I have pretty eyes, I have great hair and a great (albeit big) ass. If my thighs and stomach are too big for even the "plus-size" models, then it's society's loss.
I am ME. And that's better than good enough.
posted by Sassy at 1:23 PM
1 Comments:
I think of you every time I hear Break Away. And I wanted to give you website to check out. I just caught part of a recent Jane Pauley show. She had on Eve Ensler, the author of "The Vagina Monologues," who has written "The Good Body. Here is what Pauley's website said:
The Good Body
Eve Ensler is best known for her blockbuster play, The Vagina Monologues, through which she helped women feel comfortable with their sexuality. But ironically, the woman who helped millions overcome their body fears had found a new one of her own, her stomach. Eve devoted herself to understanding why women waste so much energy wishing their bodies were "better." In the process, she interviewed women throughout the world who become the basis of the play The Good Body's characters. Today, Eve gives us a sneak peek of the play and tells us how and why we should love our body!
Go check out Ensler's website:
And, to find out more about the play she wrote entitled "The Good Body," go to www.thegoodbody.org.
I know just how you feel, but hearing that African women compare their bodies to trees and how much we love trees and their differences has gotten me thinking about how we should honor the differences and beauty in our bodies.
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