25 Reasons the Red Sox are better than a boyfriend

Stolen from Sox in the South and slightly edited by me:

1. There are 25 of them.

2. There will always be 25 of them. When they take away your Adam Hyzdu, they give you a new, albeit kind of sucky, bullpen boyfriend. And when they DFA Blaine Neal, you get a Wade Miller.

3. With their massive salaries and loads of public adoration, the amount of ego-stroking they require is minimal.

4. They are secure in their sexuality.

5. The Red Sox, unlike the collegiate boyfriend/date/booty call, do not disappear once summer hits and you have time to play. Nay, they tone it down a bit at the appropriate times, like Thanksgiving and Christmas, when you have lots of traveling to do. They're very considerate like that.

6. Have you ever been stood up by the Red Sox? No, you have not.

7. They are dependable. 7 pm every day from April to early October, except on afternoon games, west coast trips, and off days.

8. I have never once sat around waiting for the Red Sox to call.

9. The Red Sox do not mind when I bitch about cramps. Some might say that is because they cannot hear me. All I know is that when I say "don't suck, I have cramps" they usually comply.

10. The Red Sox do not get jealous if I see other teams sometimes.

11. If boyfriends make you yell and throw things and punch the pillow, there's probably a problem. With the Red Sox, this is perfectly healthy behavior.

12. It is okay to watch a game in jammies, in old ratty pants with holes, or in desperate need of a shower. Boyfriends are less forgiving about this.

13. I've never had to shave my legs to watch the Sox.

14. I do not have to worry about buying the Red Sox the perfect gift for Valentine's Day, birthdays, Christmas, and anniversaries. Nor are they offended if I elect not to celebrate such things.

15. Johnny Damon.

16. My family likes the Red Sox. This is more than I can say for almost every guy I've ever introduced to them, except for The One.

17. They dress consistently. I do not have to worry about the Red Sox taking me to a formal event sans suit or showing up for a date to the theatre in jeans. They wear uniforms. They are gray or white. It is always acceptable.

18. I'm pretty sure Trot Nixon and Mike Timlin would kick anyone's ass who tried to mess with me. Just on general principle. Would a boyfriend? Not always. And sometimes they are the messers.

19. We never argue about where to go to dinner or what movie to see.

20. They do charitable work.

21. I have never wondered if the Red Sox were seeing other people.

22. The Red Sox do not have any crazy ex-girlfriends who try to tell me that the Red Sox love them and not me.

23. Fenway Park is a cooler place to hang out than an apartment or a dorm room.

24. The Red Sox do not like to make girls cry. However, if I do cry, they will not get uncomfortable and back away like I am crazy. Probably they will just hit a home run.

25. The Red Sox come with a rule book. Everything is neatly explained and governed accordingly.