During Jekyll & Hyde
Maybe I'm obssessive, but I can tell I've gained quite a bit of weight since last New Year's Eve.
And I'm not wrong. I'm not imagining it.
Today. At my doctor's appointment. I paid $30 to feel completely humiliated (as per usual) during the examination, and to find out how much I actually weigh, which is literally about 20 pounds MORE than what I thought it would be at most. I'm not gonna put the exact number. Let's just say it's a little closer to 200lbs than I ever thought I would be in my entire life, even when pregnant some day.
In 10 years of going to doctors, I've ALWAYS closed my eyes when I stepped on the scale. Today, since I"ve been going to the gym with mom, I decided to "pleasantly surprise" myself. I couldn't have been MORE WRONG. I'm fat. Not chubby, not "pleasantly plump," not round, not full-figured. Fat. And until I come to grips with that, I'll never take it seriously enough to really lose weight.
Now I know why I didn't get cast in Cabaret. Some of my friends said that, for Fraulein Kost I was probably "too pretty." Well...okay. But now I know why I didnt' get Sally or a Kit Kat Girl. I'm too fat. And I have to live with that, and try to change it. I will just have to take the workouts I'm doing now and stick with them, if not increase them. I"m going to try my hardest to cut soda out of my diet (yes, even Diet Coke) and watch the sweets and carbs. I am not a big fan of this whole "diet" thing, and I've never needed it to lose weight before. I've just had to get up off my ass and get moving. Now is different. This WILL CHANGE.
posted by Sassy at 7:39 PM
2 Comments:
Well, I know for a fact that were I 30 pounds thinner, I would have been a contender for Sally as well. I know for a fact that I was too fat for the role as well. So, I'm in the same boat with you, sweetie, and know exactly how you feel... :-)
Now,let me say this next thing as someone who has weighed WELL OVER 200 pounds (about 240 at my heaviest). Try remember that you are beautiful, both inside and outside. You are a gorgeous, beautiful girl, truly. It's hard, right now to think anything but the contrary but, even having been far heavier than you, I know it is possible. Don't be afraid to lean on your friends, and to ask them to love you just a little more than usual, do that. I know I will... :-)
To Maribou Sue--of course you are my friend! And I appreciate everything you said. But for my height, I am overweight. Not obese (like my mom thinks), but overweight. I can't keep sugar-coating it. "Fat" sometimes has the same connotation as "obese" but what I mean by it is, I need to lose some FAT.
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